You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
