Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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