So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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