I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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