i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just invented taco cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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