theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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