chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
