you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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