Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
