i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I currently don't understand fingers.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
