Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit