I just saw a hot homeless man
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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