I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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