she woke up with a sticky ear
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
