I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
