There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
