you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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