at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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