Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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