hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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