My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
