at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
