The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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