I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.