when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
