I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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