Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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