RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
