one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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