a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
