were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
