Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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