Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
