Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
