i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
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when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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