Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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