my vag is so smooth its legendary
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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