Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
