I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
