just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
