Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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