The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
