Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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