You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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