I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
