last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
