don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
