so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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