I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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