allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
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She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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