I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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