my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
