I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i've created a new STD.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
