me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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