I wish I could teleport
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
