U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
