Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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