seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
