I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
