Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
